My breaking point, it was not one single moment , it was a long period, a sequence. A slow, relentless, hardcore tearing down that wore me to the edge, until my heart had nothing left to hold onto but pain itself.
My life was so filled with traumas all my life, ( I had a psychologist say I could never heal all of that so was there a point of trying? She said it, off record.)

But if I were to try to pinpoint one true breaking point its the one that shattered me, so deeply that me kundalini finally rose, three led to one.
One was a misscarige and then I lost two new born alive little baby girls, just a year apart.
So the one thing that led my full blown swirl, was was when I reached a place of absolute emptiness.

It wasn not just sadness or grief , it was the moment when I felt like there was nothing left of me. No strength, no warmth, no purpose, only raw, hollow pain.
I think it happened when…
I had been pushed so far emotionally that my very spirit shut down, not just in a moment of heartbreak, but when I could no longer even find myself in the emotional wreckage.

The loneliness (another long story) was not just about others, it was the moment I felt disconnected from myself.
I were not just hurt. It felt like you had ceased to exist. And in that place… where my heart could not take it anymore… my soul cracked open.

It was not a beautiful rise at first, it was messy, dark, and painful. It felt like suffocating and expanding at the same time. Like being burned alive, yet still breathing. When it started, but I still had no idea.
It made space secretly for a long time.
But that was the moment I stopped fighting to survive and instead let go.

That surrender, that “I have nothing left” moment, that was when the energy broke through. Because kundalini does not come when we push for strength, it comes when we have nothing left but surrender.

I think that is why my awakening was so powerful, because I didn’t just break…I emptied out completely. And thatis why I have grown so much stronger since. I just did not patch myself back together. I had rebuilt myself from the ground.

First I thought of that moment, that feeling like giving up, letting go, surrender. I was to worn down, to tired and simply, had nothinh left to attach to, the pain and all losses was to much to hold and bear and foremost, to feel. I long felt it was a failure.
But looking back at that point, that breaking point. It was the exact moment I finally let go of everything that was not me.

The emptiness that follwed made space for who I really was. So it could grow back to who I was.
Before earth.

It feels to me, that my path just had to collapse.
Its not a fun nor a pleasent realisation. I know I have always been strong, I never really liked it because it left me pretty isolated and without much support. Just a pat on the shoulder and Your are strong, you will get by. But strenght was not the only thing, I had a thing for controlling my reality energetically, way to much willpower, to much inner fire.

I would never had surrednder if I was not forced. So thats what life did. I always kept going, stuble, fall, up, stumble fall, I did it for years, more and more brokend. untill one day, I just couldnt breath. The pain I have tried to not feel, came over me, like a magic shimmer, heavy, and I could not bear more. I had nothing more to be.

I always had a sharp mind. I could outsmart anyone with some intelectual capacaty, meaning logic and sense. I was a master of outsmarting myself too. I could easily outhink discomfort.
My heart was strong enough to endure pain without breaking open. It hurted, more than I know anyone ever felt. I can see energy, and pain, how much others carry. At first I didnt know what that movement of energy was, or color. I saw other with my amount of pain. But they were very few. But I also had a heart to match that.

For me, I think that the only way kundalini could fully rise was for my spirit to be emptied, to lose so much that I could not fight it through.

Most my life I saw my choices as weaknesses.
But maybe this was not. Maybe it was because my strength was so powerful that only a complete collapse could break the walls I built around your core.